Dear Ruth: I wish there were a reputable male advice columnist I could contact with my problem. He might have a better understanding of my dilemma. Yet, I have read your advice column for years – and I think you might be able to offer the help I need.
Here goes. I’m well into my 60s, and I’m not the well-chiseled male specimen I used to be. My wife of 45 years and I do lots of fun things together. We have always had a wonderful marriage. But I have one minor flaw. When we visit the beach, I can’t help but admire the shapely forms of attractive women in scant bikinis. I would never cheat on my wife, but I can’t seem to control my roving eye. When a comely less walks past, I have this uncontrollable compulsion to admire every curve and cranny. And boy do I hear about my indiscretions when we drive home at the end of the day. She is relentless. Then, I get the silent treatment for days. Yet, when we return to the beach, I do the same thing all over again.
Apart from sticking hot pokers in both eyeballs, what can I do?
Lecherous in Louisville
Dear Lech: Don’t be too hard on yourself, but you might want to lay off the testosterone pills.
I do have a game plan that might divert your wife’s attention away from your roving eyes. Before you head for the beach, go shopping for a new Speedo, preferably a bight red one. You might want to select a size that is a little smaller and tighter than your old suit. Take a large Idaho baking potato with you, and stuff in inside your swimsuit before you walk out on the beach. As you and your wife stroll down the beach, the bikini girls will be looking at you. It’s hard to leer at the lassies when they’re staring back at you. It will make you feel manlier, and you will relish the newfound attention. You might even hear a catcall or two.
But be warned; make sure you stuff it down the front of your Speedo – not the back.
See how an out-of-the box solution can change the dynamics of your days at the beach.
Let me know how my advice works out, but don’t send pictures.
Your friend and co-conspirator, Ruth